Have you ever noticed this paradox: thinking about someone feels warm, soft, and comforting… yet seeing them in real life can feel heavy, tense, or unsettling?
It’s almost as if the person you imagined doesn’t quite match the person who’s actually there. This isn’t just a quirk of attraction or mood. It’s a window into how the mind and body experience connection, safety, desire, and belonging.
In therapy, this gap between fantasy and reality often reveals something essential about how we relate, not only to others, but to ourselves.
The relationship between fantasy and reality in our emotional lives is complex and deeply personal. This text does not aim to reduce it to a simple explanation. Instead, it offers a gentle perspective, one that may help you bring a little more clarity, curiosity, and kindness to an experience that is often felt more than it is understood.
Fantasy and the Mind
Fantasy lives in the mind. It is a creation shaped by imagination, allowing longing, hope, and desire to unfold freely — yet it does not emerge randomly.
Fantasy is shaped by what we’ve learned about love, connection, and happiness: childhood experiences, cultural narratives, movies, books, and the relationships we witnessed growing up, for example. It often reflects the romanticized versions of love we’ve internalized — the “perfect” scenes we believe should bring warmth, closeness, and validation.
At its core, fantasy is also about being seen and belonging. When we imagine a relationship, we imagine a space where we fit, where our feelings are understood, and where we are accepted without question. If we experience belonging in real life, it naturally extends into fantasy. But when reality feels uncertain or emotionally unsafe, fantasy can become the place where belonging is preserved — even if only in imagination.
In fantasy, we unconsciously fill in the gaps. We soften edges, smooth over tension, and construct a version of someone that fits the emotional experience we long for: safety, admiration, connection, desire. This is why fantasy often feels effortless and comforting. It needs to work — because here, we have full control. Fantasy also needs to sustain the feeling we long to feel, the one we imagine will bring coherence or perfection to our current life, the one we experience as “fulfilling.”
Reality Lives in the Body
Reality — the truth as we encounter it — lives in the body.
The body doesn’t imagine safety or closeness: it responds to it. When we are with someone in real life, our nervous system picks up on subtle signals: tone of voice, presence, timing, distance, attunement. These cues shape how we feel — calm or tense, open or guarded, drawn in or pulled away.
This is where the discrepancy often appears. The person we meet is not the idealized version nurtured in fantasy, but the real presence in front of us. And reality awakens something fantasy never has to face: anxiety, fear, avoidance, discomfort, or ease.
Fantasy must fit the perfect scene in order to sustain the image that sparks the feeling. Reality does not adapt to our desire, it reveals itself through the body. When tension, unease, or heaviness shows up, it doesn’t mean something is wrong — it means something real is happening.
Why the Gap Feels So Confusing
This is why daydreams can feel light, comforting, and even nourishing, while real encounters sometimes feel heavy or unsettling. The mind is able to hold an idealized story with care and consistency. The body, however, responds to what is truly present in the moment.
The tension that arises isn’t a failure of logic or emotion. It’s the meeting point between imagination and lived experience. One gently offers a vision of how things could feel. The other quietly responds to how things do feel. And often, the body senses the truth before the heart is ready to let go of the story it’s been holding.
Bridging the Gap Between Fantasy and Reality
When fantasy and reality don’t match, the goal isn’t to judge yourself or force clarity. This gap isn’t a mistake — it’s information. Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I feel what I imagined?”, it can be more helpful to pause and turn inward with curiosity.
You might gently ask yourself:
- How do I feel in my body when I imagine this person, and how do I feel when I’m actually with them?
- What emotions show up in real contact: calm, tension, anxiety, ease, distance?
- What sense of belonging exists in fantasy that may be missing in reality?
- Am I responding to who this person truly is, or to what they represent for me?
This kind of reflection isn’t about giving up on connection. It’s about honoring reality instead of forcing it to fit a fantasy. Over time, listening to your body with compassion allows clarity to emerge naturally, not as a dramatic realization, but as a quiet knowing.
Belonging that is real feels grounded, not effortful. And when something truly fits, your body doesn’t need to protest.
If you want to continue exploring this gap between fantasy and reality, I created a free self-growth journaling guide for you. It includes 20 reflective prompts designed to help you gently let go of the idealized version, reconnect with your body, and ground yourself in what is real, without judgment or pressure.
You can download it here and explore it at your own pace:
A Gentle Invitation
If you find yourself repeatedly caught between fantasy and reality — especially in relationships — you don’t have to navigate this alone. You’re welcome to explore more of my free resources, where I share reflective exercises to help you better understand your emotional patterns and bodily responses.
And if you’d like deeper, personalized support, you can also book a therapy session with me, where we can explore these dynamics together in a safe, compassionate space.
Sometimes the most healing step is not imagining harder, but listening deeper.
With love, Andressa
